How to Be a Basketball Fan

Well, basketball season is over. At least it is for the St. Peter the Apostle Sixth Grade Rams. And I would be remiss if I didn't start out this posting with a big word of thanks to Coach Scott King for his tireless efforts in coaching this great group of boys. Scott has served as coach for the sixth grade football and basketball teams, so he's been with this same group for the past six months. Few people have the stamina and skill to coach these budding athletes in two sports. Few people have that much time to invest in the practices and the games. So crack open an ice cold bottle of Bud Light, oh sultan of the sidelines. Thanks to you, our boys are in a league of their own.

Although I didn't set out to become a basketball expert (and I am far from that), I did learn some of the ins and outs of the game while sitting in the stands watching the sixth grade boys play their hearts out. Although I'm not ready to try to explain the rules to anyone else, I can teach a novice basketball spectator a few helpful pointers when watching any basketball game. If you follow these tips, you'll at least look like you know what you're doing:

1. When the ball gets near the basket, no matter who's shooting, yell "Rebound!" That means you want your team to get possession of the ball. In fact, whenever the ball is on its way toward the basket, I start yelling "Rebound!" immediately. I've only looked like an idiot about five or six times.

2. When the opposing team has possession of the ball, yell "Walking!" Walking is a bad thing in basketball, and as it turns out, one can be walking even when one is rolling on the floor. Sometimes one can be walking when he is standing still. All a player has to do is lift up his little heel, and he can be considered walking. Nevertheless, basketball players always walk, especially those players on the other team. When opposing players walk, the referees never see them. But folks in the stands do. Because walking happens so frequently, it's easy to yell it often because even if you haven't seen a player walking, someone probably has been doing it. If you do see a player walking, and if it's perfectly obvious that he was doing so and the referee didn't call it, you can help the officials out more emphatically by rolling your fists in front of you while yelling.

3. Don't expect the referees to acknowledge you. They're always hard of hearing. I think it's a requirement for the position.

4. Learn the players' names. That's key because even if you don't know what's going on during the game, you know who's got the ball, and you can simply yell the player's name. I spent much time this season yelling, "Adam!" or "Drew!" or "Garrett!" or "Mills!". I especially yelled "Lawson!"

5. Sometimes it's appropriate, when your team has the ball to yell "Shoot!" But you have to be careful with this one. You have to know that shooting is appropriate. Sometimes I found myself yelling for a player to shoot the ball, but then he did, and the opposing team intercepted it. When I feel uncertain about this call, I wait for someone else to yell it, and then I chime in.

6. When all else fails, let someone else do the yelling. For instance, tonight Leslie Ducey was giving the officials what for. I can't even remember what she was saying, but she sounded like she knew what she was doing. So then, I turned around and said to her, "You tell 'em, Leslie!" That makes me sound like I know what she's doing too.

7. If your son gets hit on the head, like mine did tonight, it's best to sit in the stands and watch from afar as the coach takes care of him. Although every bone in your body wants to dash across that gym to make sure the eyes aren't black or the nose isn't bleeding, it's best to sit still. While the coach would probably be understanding about it, your son would disown you.

So that's what I have learned from the 2011 basketball season. Maybe next year I'll understand what a press is and why tripping over somebody's shoes is considered a foul. The next season is only eleven months away.