Anna Karenina: The Nether Parts

I'm afraid my friend Susan has put down Anna Karenina. Not that I can blame her. While the first four or five parts, while frustrating, kept the story moving more or less along, Part VI brought the novel to a screeching halt. The first half of Part VII isn't much better.

I know it's a world classic. And for that reason, I'm a little ashamed of being so critical of it. And I'm going to make myself finish it. But right now, this book does only one thing for me: it confirms my opinion that no book--not one--needs to be 1170 pages long.

The novel has been sitting on my night stand, looking lonely, for about two weeks, but I haven't had the strength to pick it up, preferring instead to watch HBO's recent miniseries Mildred Pierce (Kate Winslet might play a good Anna Karenina). But yesterday, I forced myself to read ten pages, telling myself that the longer I leave the book sitting, the longer it will be before I can read something more interesting, like the new tax code.

I take notes as I read, and recent notes are telling of the way the book holds my interest. For instance, at the beginning of Part IV, I've written several paragraphs, such as the following: "It's funny that Alexey Alexandrovitch (Karenin) cares what the servants think, only to grant a divorce but to take the blame. Meanwhile, despondent Vronsky tries to shoot himself, but misses, causing only a wound. What an idiot!" In other places, I draw little surprised faces, especially in instances of foreshadowing, like the following: "I shall die. I've had a dream" and "She showed him how he had moved his hands. There was terror in her face. And Vronsky, remembering his dream, felt the same terror filling his soul."

But in the later parts of the book, my notes turn into one-sentence chapter summaries. And even they're boring:

• Levin and Kitty move to Moscow for Kitty's confinement. Levin doesn't like the city.
• Levin goes to visit a friend to talk about politics and agricultural economics.
• Levin goes to visit Lvov.
• Levin goes to a concert.
  
• Levin reluctantly pays a social call and has insipid conversations.
  

The end of Part VI has Levin attending the municipal elections, which take several days (and just as many chapters). All the while Levin isn't the least bit interested in what's going on. Now, I understand these chapters help set up the culmination of Levin's story (because my mom told me that at the end he'll finally come to terms with what he believes). But does it have to take five or six chapters to get that idea across? I doubt it.

Note to Tolstoy: If your character is bored, your reader is bored too. Just sayin'.

The interesting things that happen are as follows:

• Kitty's mother, sister, nieces and nephews move in with the Levins for the summer, much to Levin's dismay. Though he loves his in-laws, he suffers from too much togetherness.
  
• The reason Dolly et al. have come to stay is that Dolly's philandering husband Stepan Arkadyevitch Oblonsky has not provided her enough money to maintain her own household.
  
• When Oblonsky does show up, he brings along his obnoxious friend Veslovsky, who, on a bird hunt, manages to get Levin's wagon stuck in the mud and then returns to the homestead to make passes at Kitty. Levin, much to my satisfaction, asks Veslovsky to leave.
  
• Dolly takes a day trip to visit Anna and Vronsky, who have set up housekeeping at Vronsky's country home. Vronsky has decided to become a landed aristocrat. That's fine, except that in Part II (or so), he was out of money, his mother had stopped providing for him, and he had resigned his commission in the army. So where is he getting the money to renovate the hospital on his estate? I'm confused.
  
• Now the Levins are in Moscow, and Levin is just about over his boredom. He has gone to a gentleman's club, where he ran into Oblonsky and Vronsky. Oblonsky begged Levin to be friends with Vronsky, and so they shook hands. Then Oblonsky took Levin to meet Anna, who captivated him with her charm and beauty. Now Levin is on his way home to Kitty, and I don't know what he's going to say to her about meeting the famous Anna.
  
• Oh, and by the way, Anna and Oblonsky are back in Moscow because Anna has finally agreed, after much begging from Vronsky, to ask Karenin for a divorce.

So Susan, as much as I'd like to discuss Anna Karenina with you, I completely understand why you may have put it down. But if you decide to pick it up again, feel free to skip the last half of Part VI and the first half of Part VII.

Only 165 pages to go!