Keeping the Home Fires Burning--In a Different Way

Devoted Remlerville fans likely remember Thanksgiving posts of years gone by, in which I've highlighted detailed accounts of our Friday night wienie roasts and subsequent infernos. I believe the most famous Lawson fire took place last year as the blaze consumed tires, plastic chairs, car batteries, barrels, and a fiberglass boat.

This year's pyromania took a much more subtle approach. The wienie roast took place in the back yard in town, and not much got burned other than logs, hot dogs, and marshmallows. Still, Thanksgiving wouldn't be Thanksgiving without setting something unusual on fire. This year, it was snack foods.

Sometime over the last summer, someone in my family (I think it was my mom) emailed me one of those forwarded messages that listed lots of innovative things you can do with regular household items. You know the things I'm talking about:  cleaning windows with coffee maker filters, using binder clips to help you stack soda cans in the fridge, placing a wooden spoon across the top of a pot to keep it from boiling over (still haven't tried that one).

Well, one of the handy tips on this list was the following:  "If you're ever camping and you run out of kindling, you can always start your fire with Doritos."

Now, I've always been a fan of those mouthfuls of nacho cheese goodness. In fact, I've taught my children that Doritos are God's little triangular way of letting us know that he loves us and wants us to be happy. So if my favorite sandwich side dish could take the place of lighter fluid, I wanted to know about it.

Then Stephen said, "I've read that when arsonists want to get fires going quickly, they start them in the chip aisle because the chip bags have gas in them to keep the chips from getting crushed." In retrospect, I should have been a little suspicious of that rumor, having never known of a grocery store to burn to the ground. But Stephen's claim had me curious about chip bags as well. So prior to the excursion to Hawkinsville, I made a trip to the Sandfly Piggly Wiggly and purchased two bags of chips (one regular and one sour cream and onion) and one bag of Lay's brand Doritos. The experiment was on.

First of all, it was hard to keep Lawson out of the Doritos. That little apple didn't even fall off the tree. But because I had purchased the family size bag, we had enough Doritos for the experiment and for Lawson to load up on carbs and sodium prior to the tremendous Thanksgiving turkey dinner.

Our initial experiment was with the potato chip bags. We put the bag of regular chips on top of a log and waited for it to explode. The experiment was underwhelming as the bag simply caught fire and burned up in a few seconds.

So then we fashioned a foil enclosure for the sour cream and onion bag of chips, our hypothesis being that if the bag didn't catch fire, it would eventually expand and explode. Watch what happens...



You can see Lawson in the background munching on Doritos and then snatching them away from Sabra when she tries to rescue them for our next experiment. Didn't Sabra do a good job with that folding? The bag did actually make a popping sound, but we didn't catch it on camera, which is odd, considering we did catch all the conversation surrounding the fire, as well as Lawson's crunching. When Dave Cannon unwrapped the foil, he found no potato chip bag, only chips. And we all appreciate his volunteering to sample them two or three times before confirming that they did indeed taste like plastic. So much for experiment number 1.

Experiment number 2 was a little slower going because Doritos are not as easy to light as one might think. One cannot use a simple Bic lighter because one might singe one's thumbs. If we had one of those Aim 'n Flame lighters, that would have been perfect, but, finding no such lighter on the premises, we opted for matches that worked much better.
So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Doritos do burn. Not only that, but the heat makes the trans fats ooze out of the chips and form a black oily puddle while a strange, gray smoke--nothing resembling wood smoke at all--curls from the chippy embers. At least for this holiday season, I am grossed out by the nacho cheese chip. So the next time you're in the mood for snack foods, I would recommend pretzels or popcorn, but not the crunch fire starters by Frito Lay.

As for the rest of the holiday, we had an exciting time:

• We're all glad Betsy's okay. Lesson learned: run swiftly and carry a big stick. 
• We're thankful for a large family and the delicious meal BB cooked and served to us.
• We never tire of playing corn hole and horse shoes.
• We were especially thankful to have Davis home with us for the long weekend, and we congratulate him on his hunting prowess.
• When the kids get cranky, just put them on the roof.