How I Won Project Runway. Well, Kind Of

After 44 years of no effort, I have finally won some sort of beauty contest. Or maybe it was a fashion show. I'm not really sure what it was. But this is how it went down:

My friend Jodi invited me and several other girlfriends to a ladies' weekend at her beautiful, hundred year-old house on Richardson Creek, where we relaxed and played games in her beautifully maintained hundred year-old dock house while we watched the sun go down over the marsh.


The highlight of the weekend was our own Project Runway. On the invitations, Jodi instructed all of us to make a dress out of a bed sheet, but no togas were allowed. The dresses would be modeled and judged on Saturday night.

Overwhelmed with work, my boys' athletic schedules, and the GACE exam, which I had to take Saturday (That's another story), I put the invitation on my desk and almost immediately forgot about making the sheet dress. So when I arrived at Jodi's house Friday, all the other women began chatting about the dresses they made out of sheets, and I thought, Oh, doo-doo. I have to make a dress tonight!

After dinner, drinks, and several rounds of Left, Right, Center (a great game of dice), I went home at 11:30 and rummaged through my linen closet, eventually finding two king-sized pillow cases that I hurriedly fashioned into a dress. I didn't quite finish putting it together, so after the GACE exam, I rushed home again, whipped a few more stitches into the skirt, shoved it into my bag, and returned to Jodi's, where I found Joni, Cyndi, Jodi, Sheri, and Mary Beth bedecked in beautiful frocks they'd worked on for the past several weeks. They all looked like they were ready for a cocktail party. Or a fashion show.


I, on the other hand, resembled a mash-up of June Cleaver's mother in-law and Eunice from Mama's Family.

Project Runway was the only part of the weekend to which men were invited. Husbands and beaux served as the judges for the competition. Stephen had the honor of playing the guy from Price Waterhouse who tallied all the points. All five of us sashayed across the dock, doing our best runway walk, while Bear, Barry, Buddy, and Stephen painstakingly scored our outfits and our modeling skills. Then, all a-jitter (and all a-shiver--it was, after all, a cool October evening), we ladies stood in a row holding hands and nervously awaiting the crowning moment.

Stephen finished his addition, reviewed the results, and said, "Wait. I have to double check these numbers. Something isn't right."

By that time we women were all turning blue, but finally Stephen finished and said, "Huh. I guess my numbers were right the first time after all." Then he announced the winners. The second runner up was Joni in her black, Holly Golightly inspired gown. The first runner up was Jodi, in her Harley-Davidson biker girl frock. "And the winner is," Stephen said, shaking his head in disbelief, "Nancy."

Invoking the Miss America pageants I'd watched for years on TV, I squealed with joy as the other women handed me the first place trophy, a bottle of Savannah Bee Company honey. And Stephen furrowed his brow and said, "I don't understand how that happened. You won an ugly contest."

I have to say, I was a little perplexed myself, but this is how it happened. We were judged in four categories: creativity, attitude, inspiration, and "The Good, The Bad, The Ugly." At the bottom of the score sheet was the following note: "The good-bad-ugly score reflects your overall presentation of a good idea with a bad execution. Ugly shoe bonus point!"




These were my shoes.



Together with the dress that strongly resembled Cyndi's granmother's old kitchen curtains, I scored so big in the "good, bad, ugly" category that my overall scores overshadowed everyone else's. Hence the bottle of honey.

Although I'm proud of this honor, I'm also delighted that Joni and Jodi are my second and first runner ups. If for any reason I am ever unable to fulfill my responsibilities (whatever those are) as the first annual Bryant Dock Project Runway queen, I feel confident that Jodi and Joni will be able to replace me.

Meanwhile, I'll start preparing now for next year. I have to come up with a costume for a famous Mary. I'm taking suggestions now.

Oh, P.S. Stephen's score sheet gives Cyndi Billac Arnsdorff the highest score.