Nancy the Fashion Critic

Many thanks to the Academy Awards for ending the program before midnight. Although I'm a little bleary eyed this morning, I'm not cross-eyed from fatigue. Kudos to Meryl Streep, Octavia Spencer, Christopher Plummer, and all the other winners last night. Now enough of that. Let's talk about what people were wearing because I think that's more fun.

As I watched the preceremonial red carpet, I was a little surprised not to see any backward tuxedos or swan dresses, but at the same time Bjork and Helena Bonham Carter were no-shows this year.Still, Hollywood's elite gave us much to talk about. I'll start with the fashion winners:

My highest scores go to Octavia Spencer and Melissa McCarthy. Spencer has looked lovely all during the awards season, and she remained consistent last night in a pale, sequined, form-fitting Tadashi dress. She demonstrated that a woman can be curvy and beautiful at the same time. McCarthy's dress was a refreshing change from her Golden Globes gown, which, to me, was dowdy and tent-like. But last night her crepe number with a jeweled collar and belt glammed up her figure. Both women got A's in my book.

Octavia Spencer

I also give an A to Natlie Portman's strapless red vintage gown. Paired with a v-shaped diamond necklace, her outfit should have worn an award itself. And Viola Davis's green column dress with her natural hair do was stunning. I almost didn't recognize her. Ditching the wig took ten years off her.

Glen Close and Meryl Streep looked okay, but each woman's choice had one aspect to it that made it a little too much. Glen Close, for instance, seemed to be invoking her character Albert Nobbs. Her sleek black fish-tail gown paired with a jacket made her come across as boxy and a little overdone, as if she couldn't decide whether to wear a tux or a gown so she picked both. 

As for Meryl Streep, I was relieved that she wore a design that flattered her figure, a huge step above the disaster that was her Golden Globes dress. In gold lame, she definitely looked like a movie star, but she also looked like Oscar himself. I wondered if those sitting around her felt compelled to don sunglasses. 

Close

Streep

Both actresses earn A's for their work, but in my book, their fashion choices earned B's. 

B- goes to Jessica Chastain. I think I'm a voice alone here. Fashion critics on the news are praising Chastain's gold and black gown, but when I first saw her on the screen, I wrote in my notes, "Buckingham Palace called. They want their tapestries back."

Chastain

A few actresses earned C's in my book. Rooney Mara, for instance, chose a gown that didn't suit her figure, and her hairstyle was too severe for my taste. With her pale complexion and her lean form, this gown make her look like she'd broken into her mother's closet to play dress-up. 

Mara

Jennifer Lopez left me wondering what she was thinking. Again, many fashion critics disagree with me, but this sunburst texture in her fabric, and her sleeves gave the same undecided impression as Glen Close's dress. Sleeves? Sleeveless? Why not both? Here's why not:

No thanks.

In spite of my pickiness with respect to these actresses' styles, only one woman made me ask, "What was she thinking?" And she wasn't someone the paparazzi would clamor to see. Mrs. Colin Firth (I don't even know her first name) earned a D in my fashion grade book. Her red gown earned one point just for covering her up, but to me it looked like a baby doll nightie had sex with an apron. Good thing she didn't have to go on stage.

She is a lovely woman, but the dress has got to go.

Of course, the women are always the targets of the fashion critics, but the men deserve some commentary as well, especially in the shave and haircut department. Brian Grazer, the producer of the Oscars ceremony, looked like he'd stuck his finger in a power outlet. I'm sure there was a dressing room with a comb around there somewhere. Then there was Brad Pitt. Although Angelina Jolie looked like a million bucks, Brad Pitt looked like he threw a tux on five minutes before the ceremony. Would a shampoo and cut have killed him? 

At least Christopher Plummer shaved and combed his hair prior to his big night, but his velvet tuxedo raised my eyebrows. Maybe he pulled it out of his 1973 closet:

Velvet. Hmm. Well, he's 82. He can get away with it. 

By far, though, this was my favorite Oscar gown of the year:

I'm talking about the one in the middle, of course. 

Movie star turned mother superior Dolores Hart wen with the no-fuss approach. With this choice, she didn't have to worry about her hair or figure. And I heard it was a brisk night, so she was also warm enough. Good choice!